State of the School, Spring 2023

You share your children and your family lives with my colleagues and me, so I thought maybe today I’d share a little about my life. I have been educated at the worst performing and best performing schools that our country has to offer. You can look them up and test me. The last school I attended before arriving at Millbrook in 1994 was Shea Middle School, the second worst performing public school in New York State. It closed down. The last school attended after leaving Millbrook was Harvard University. It’s in Cambridge, Massachusetts. 

 

I suppose that the experiences between and betwixt those places are the currency I carry, the rationalization for my appointment as Millbrook’s 7th of Head of School.  

 

And yet most of what I want to offer you today has very little to do with my formal education, here and elsewhere. Most of the thoughts I want to share with you today come from my mother.  

 

My mother is a straight up badass. I said it. And I don’t take it back. Badass. So tough. Relentlessly optimistic. I’ve never seen her worry. I’ve never once heard her suggest something is fair or unfair. Just the unflappable mom who will say, okay, well, what are you going to do about it? I to lock her in a car and go for a long ride to get any sense of her life before children.

 

Let me give you a little glimpse into her life. A vignette, if you will. 

 

She grew up on welfare and food stamps. She lived exclusively in troubled and abusive neighborhoods throughout her entire childhood. She has five siblings – and all have different fathers. My mother does not know who is, and has never met, her father. My mom’s mom, my grandmother, spent her most of her life making minimum wage as a dining hall worker at the community college. Some time in her late 50s she switched to working at Auntie Anne’s pretzels in the local mall, where she worked until she passed away. She, grandma June, grew up in foster care and orphanages. No education whatsoever. 

 

My mother would tell you it is a privilege to even think about identity. In this world hyper focused on identity, I am reminded every time I look at my mother, that many people know nothing about their families; and until 23 & me and Ancestry.com were developed, many people like my mother could tell you nothing about her genetic makeup.

 

I bet you didn’t think I would start family day here, did you? 

 

She’s a badass. 

 

Despite abuse, neglect, bullying inside and outside of her house, and against all odds, my mother was the first person in her family to graduate high school and college. In her junior year she reluctantly went with a group of friends to a Grateful Dead / Allman Brothers / The Band concert, Watkins Glen in the finger lakes. There she met my father, a recent Cornell grad, son of a doctor, an anti-authority, anti-establishment pothead, and the rest is history…my father made one of the only good decisions he ever made in life, which was to move quickly and marry my mom. 

 

Fast forward. 

 

With limited help from my father, my mother raised 5 boys, all one year apart, with no major school discipline (some minor), no arrests (some close calls), and we all attended some of the most selective colleges and universities in the country, and we all now have meaningful careers, awesome wives (who all get along and love one another!) and now my mother has 12 happy, healthy, and well-mannered and well-adjusted grandchildren. One of them is in our IIIrd form.  

 

My mother raised our family with the ephemeral success and failures of 5 different bar/restaurants that went belly up. In 1998, she and my father endured a professional and personal bankruptcy right when we were all about to head to college, my senior year here at Millbrook, and she and my father were forced to move from owning a modest home to renting apartments, to humbly accepting a life subsidized by a few of her sons. She spent her 50s working a minimum wage job in Wegmans fish department, occasionally substitute teaching, while my dad has recently evolved into 4.99 rated Uber driver. He's now over 24,000 trips. 

 

My mom now has Parkinsons and it seems to get worse by the week. 

 

And you know what my mother says to me every time we talk. She is so blessed. She is deeply grateful – attitude of gratitude for all things. She loves her life. She makes jokes about being an old bag and a bump on a log when her whole body uncontrollably shakes, and she expresses gratitude for the smallest, tiniest things at every moment. She’ll say ridiculously positive things like, “this is a really good cashew! Where’d you get it?” Or, “Wow, that person has the coolest voice, doesn’t he? I could listen to him all day.” “Mmm, this tap water is really good. I’m so happy that you get to have such good tap water.”

 

What does this have to do with family day and the state of the school? 

 

Everything. 

 

First, you share so much with us. We know a lot of personal details about your children and your lives. This trust is necessary for our partnership to work. So, I thought I’d share a little with you, and maybe even torture my mom with a little praise if she sees this on youtube someday. Praise might be the only thing she struggles with… and I am embracing my role as a son for life by tormenting her the way sons are supposed to torment their mothers... it’s a biological obligation. 

 

Second, I asked my senior leadership team to provide me with a few thoughts about what I should share with you today, the state of the school from their point of view, and almost everything they offered to contribute reminded me of my mother. Themes of resiliency and the deepening of character through setbacks and defeat, as well as the broadening of empathy and perspective through a willingness to understand another’s point of view, especially when that point of view is opposing – maybe even from our own children, who can skillfully and sometimes combatively recycle our own words, and use them against us.

 

Meg Grover, Director of Admissions, did not ask me to talk about brag about our application numbers this year, she asked me to say thank you, to you, for choosing us. She asked me to say thank you for sending your children here. For sharing belief in our mission. So thank you. AND, she also couldn’t help but remind me to ask you to spread the good gospel of Millbrook. Bringing more great children and families our way is one of the greatest ways you can help and give back!

 

Jeff Smith, CFO, did not ask me to talk with you about accounts receivable or staying current with your “My Millbrook spending account.” Jeff asked me to remind you that children are always watching. That we have had some challenges this year where parents have modeled the best behavior… and there are times, especially when a child does not receive a grade she thinks she deserves, or playing time feels short on a team, or a college acceptance doesn’t go the way of a child, we can be better at modeling behavior, holding perspective and carrying the long view. 

 

Prince Botchway, Director of DEI, did not ask me to shine a light on all the things we need to improve when we think about diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging at Millbrook. He asked me to celebrate the confluence of three major world religions that we supported here this month, especially in the week when Ramadan, Passover, and Easter happened all at once. Thirteen students of Islamic faith, 60+ Jewish students, and even higher numbers in variety of Christian based faiths make us religiously diverse. Prince highlighted that the similarities of these faiths are more glaring and powerful than the differences. He added that we had 200+ students and faculty elect to support our LGTBQ+ community on the annual day of silence. 

 

Jasper Turner, Dean of Faculty, did not ask me to ask you to take it easy on our faculty… he wanted me to remind you that we remain committed to JOE – joy, order, endurance – that our faculty is most interested in their professional growth so they can serve your children better and better, and that broadening perspective while balancing rigor and compassion in the classroom is a top priority. 

 

Dr. T., Director of the Trevor Zoo, did not share anything with me about the zoo. He asked me to remind the room that we are a school dedicated to the whole child, whose journey will lead them to think critically and independently, to be strong self-advocates, and empathetic toward the good of the whole, not just the good of the individual. Dr. T, grew up a rural farm boy from Chazy, NY and only learned rote memorization in school. When he arrived at Vassar College in the early 80s, built a transcript full of C's, D's, and even an F. He remains adamant that knowing how to learn is far more important than what to learn. 

 

Shannon Vollmer, Director of College Counseling, did not give me a college list to read to you, though it’s an impressive one. She asked that I share that she is learning to parent the three very different children she has, not the children some part of her hoped to have. She’s learning there’s a sweet spot to push her children to be the best versions of themselves with a reality check of who they actually are. Here, your children are interacting with adults who have tons of data on who your children are. The college process can sometimes have profound impacts on parent behavior. Shannon’s advice is to partner with our faculty to figure out who your children are, and when their paths do not look like yours, then you know you have done your job.

 

Nancy Stahl, Advancement Director, did not ask me to make a plug for doubling down on your annual fund contributions or consider helping us with capital improvements. So, I will! Please double down and think about capital, too. Nancy asked me to share her attitude of gratitude and remind you of the Harry Potter quotation. “The only job harder than parenting is growing up. We just forget it sometimes.”

 

Jarratt Clarke did not ask me to brag about how cool she is. She is the coolest. She did ask me to suggest that one of the best ways to build resiliency in a child is to teach them to ask for help. Your children are at boarding school, and they can best navigate Millbrook by learning how to use the people and resources available to them, and that skill may be more valuable than anything else. 

 

There are a lot of relevant and significant topics we can discuss today and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow – so much that is known and so much that is unknown. Our Dean of Students, JJ Morrissey, would say that we must plant trees that have to deal with the stress of wind, storms, competing for light at a young age. Those elements are essential for them to grow deeper roots and thicker bark and stronger branches. If they don’t deal with these forces early, they will topple if confronted with even a mild breeze. 

 

We have a great team leading this place – and none of us think about this work as transactional. The reward is in the transformation. And all of what my colleagues suggest is what makes me think of my mother. All of it. There is so much propaganda and conjecture that perpetuates worry about this generation of children… I don’t worry – and I don’t believe it does our children any good to see us worry. I believe children are more resilient that we think. I have to wonder if it is exactly because of the stresses of the day, in our immediate lives, if they might become the next truly great generation? 

 

What if they’re going to be more self-aware and skilled at building habits and etiquette of phone usage in front of their children than we are? 

 

What if they are going to be more equipped to model self-care, to talk openly and honestly about genetic ailments, mental health, than we are? 

 

What if they are going to know way more about how to steward the natural world in a truly sustainable way than we do? 

 

What if the pandemic actually feeds and fuels their attitude of gratitude, like the great depression fueled our parents & grandparents? 

 

Will the mess of polarized politics inspire them to covet compromise like no generation before them?

 

The only way that kind of possible growth can occur is through resiliency, optimism, and embracing what positive psychologists call a “challenge mindset.” The opposite, living out of fear, constantly rationalizing detaching and not doing something as “an abundance of caution,” and allowing anxiety to breed anxiety are pathways to the debilitating traps and snares of fear and anxiety themselves. I asked one of our key note speakers at our recent alumni summit, Hollis Stewart,wildlife veterinarian, about what keeps her moving forward after having dealt with so much loss, rejection, failure, unknown in so much of her life. Her answer, in front of our entire student body and faculty was, “all of those things keep me moving forward, a lot less scared and even morehungry for the next challenge.”

 

I am poaching this summation of Abraham Lincoln’s life from a speech Tony Jarvis, 39 year headmaster of Roxbury Latin once gave while he was head of school. I think it’s worth reading regularly.

 

Lincoln had an impoverished and difficult childhood; he failed in business when he was 22; he was defeated when he ran for state legislature; he failed in business again; he tried again for the state legislature and was elected. His fiancée died when he was 26; he was defeated when he ran for speaker three years later. He was married at 31 but only one of his four sons lived past 18. He was defeated when he ran for US Congress at 32, but elected when he ran again at 35. He was defeated when he ran for the U.S. Senate at age 46, defeated when he ran for vice president a year later, and defeated three years after that when he ran again for the Senate. 

 

Without the experience of loss, setback, defeat, without the experience of personal and political suffering, we have to wonder if Lincoln would have had the backbone and wherewithal to save the United States as one union, and leave a legacy of one of the most universally respected figures in the history of our country. 

 

Sometimes I wonder who the lucky ones really are… the ones who get all the playing time, earn perfect grades, get recognized with awards, land the soulmate or a dream job on the first try, or the ones who don’t, who struggle to make it, who have to endure the challenge of loss, defeat, or potentially being overlooked. Both work, success and failure, and so much depends upon the perspective we keep, how we handle that which is out of our control, and play the best hands with the cards that we have been dealt. 

 

All of it, the trials and tribulations of life, of course, happens here. High School inevitably presents all of the opportunities to experience joy and sorrow, friends gained and friends lost, community and loneliness, growth and setback. 

 

When I asked the prefects, like I did with the senior leadership team, what does our parent body need to hear at the state of the school address, they stared at me blankly. “Mr. Downs, isn’t that your job?” Your children are mean to us, too! I waited, and eventually Morgan Ainleysaid, “my mother would just want to know that we are in good hands.” 

 

And so, with that advice, I share the story of my mother and the thoughts of from my senior leadership team all to help inspire you. To motivate you and to remind you today of what an incredible group of experienced, talented, thoughtful, caring, and loving adults who are directly and indirectly helping educate your children. 

 

Fred Calder, former Executive Director of the New York State Association of Independent Schools once wrote, “It is no secret that motivation in children grows in an atmosphere of intimacy, [with] committed adults who believe in their mission, and numbers small enough so that every child is understood and recognized as a worthy human being.” 

 

That’s exactly what we have here. The state of the school is excellent. It’s never been better. We wrapped up a winter filled with joy, order, and endurance. Academic experiences defined by big term papers, independent science research, and, in broad terms, measurable skill development. Winter weekend continues to build upon the mighty nature of its tradition. Four varsity teams made the New England semifinals. And Mean Girls the musical, was sensational. 

 

Now, classes are cruising into the second half of the second semester, we’re coming out of a spirited and energetic earth week which was kicked off my an alumni summit in which 23 alums whose vocations embody our core value of being a steward of the natural work came back for a conference style symposium with your children, and after earth week we will have a multi-cultural celebration, a sharing of food, ethnic backgrounds, illuminating the broad cultures that we are lucky enough to have represented her on campus. If you were in last night or this morning’s award ceremonies, you witnessed excellence at the highest of levels. And, we have a place filled with pride, spirit, and playfulness. You should have seen the quad in the last couple of nights! 150-200 students just enjoying their childhood. Gorgeous weather helps, but so does a gorgeous campus and parents who see the power of the holistic education we aim to provide, who trust us, and want to partner with us in living out our motto and mission.